Existential crisis

It happened without my even knowing it. My sister said to me on my birthday this year that my 17th year of life would be a year of figuring stuff out. She said that she learned a lot about herself without even knowing it. I was going through a minor bout with the undefeated boxer known as Death. He is 100 trillion and 0 with every fight ending in a knockout. But Death likes to taunt his doomed sparring partners. He makes is think about him. He presents himself to us in the world by showing us him impact. One win for Death has a ripple effect. Fear of the notorious fighter shouldn't come early in life. Our formative years really ought not be burdened by the contemplation of the ultimate end. But I got myself into thinking about Death and I came out of this round ahead.
It started thinking about God. I have been slowly, piece by piece, come to the realization that I am alone in the world, that my actions have no backup in the absolute, the infinite, the Lord. Coming with this is the understanding that this life is my only one. I am afraid of death because I don't want to have wasted my life by anyone's measure. The understanding that I am my own judge is only slightly more comforting. But like any clutch athlete, this realization that I am always in the spotlight, that I have to hit my shots, is inspiring. After this realization, I understood that my life, while singular, is not doomed to death. It is a slow march, but it is a parade. Like a New Orleans funeral, there is an element of celebration that must be, well, celebrated. I have known for some time now that life is meant for living. "Get busy living or get busy dying."- The movie "Shawshank Redemption"
I can say this as many times as I want, but only recently have I understood it and felt it. I am freed by my self-reliance, my loneliness. It is the most terrifying thing and also the greatest, to paraphrase Kiekegaard. How wonderful it is to live free of the dictation of an almighty source! To live only for love! To embrace love and not question it ad nauseum! Love is life, and unfortunately God is no longer love. I wish he was, but one who lets their wishes consumes them can never recognize those being fulfilled.