Madness

The kind of day that makes me believe in God. We turn to the Lord in times of fear, in times of desperation, when we have no answers. God is making this happen. God is telling everyone to belittle me. God is making me speak in tongues, unintelligible and unintelligent to anyone but me. Doubt crushes thought, but Belief blinds it. God did not make me an asshole today. I just was an asshole today. God did not make me easy to hate. I just am. I hate myself for being easy to hate, but I know I don't have to be this way. But still the thought, the inkling, the instinct?, that God made it this way. I am His puppet and his puppetry is a continuous, caustic show. God's sense of humor is wickedly timed. He couldn't make every day this bad or we'd catch on. He made us smart enough to believe in Him, after all. We understand His impact fully, for he is all holy, hallelujah. Yet here I go again, bitter at no one, bitter at Him. It is me, they were my choices, I am the jerk, the one who must answer. God answers to no one because He likes to taunt us. Like a fisherman teases fish, He teases men with delusions of morality and rectitude, but every once in a while He brings us crashing back down to the sad truth of our, my, meaningless soul. Belittlement is God's favorite source of humor, and consequently it is Man's favorite, too. God and Man are one and the same because the former is a projection of the latter in all moments when Man is unacceptable. Only a power outside of human potential could be so amazing and so awful. The disciples spoke in tongues and called it a miracle, but the miracle was that people listened and understood. This is not a miracle because madness can be shared and is best when shared. Madness has evolved to be directed collectively at one, the loser, the asshole. I was the one today, but the subject of the madness is not without fault. The single individual is the Creator of the madness. We pray to God to forgive our sins, but the sins continue because of this prayer. The Creator reciprocates the madness, the ridicule, by not understanding it. Fear dissipates with understanding and madness dissipates with acceptance. It is my fault, my most grievous fault.