God

I only believe in God because of the way I was brought up. God was a given and now I doubt His existence at all but my life still exists in His framework. This is a mold I can't escape. I don't believe God can or wants to help people, but my belief that there is a God is so ingrained into my consciousness that I still turn to prayer in times of fear. My anger at the world is a deep-seated rage towards God for abandoning us people. I hate that I think this way. My faith has been wavering as long as I've been a thinking person, but it can't waver itself out the rut of basic faith. My experience with the church has not led me to any hate of organized religion, but I can see the evils inherent in it. The sad attempts to separate doctrine from metaphor are the silent admission of fault by the deluded church. Why has God abandoned us?
I know how simply logical it is to believe that God does not exist, that God is a crutch invented by man to grant him salvation from inadequacy, but it is hard to separate the world from its perceived creator. I can't help but explain my existence on this planet with the existence of that highest of powers, God. And because I believe he has this power I naturally take the short movement to believing in his power to grant my every holy wish. The selfish nature of prayer is only really appreciated when we are scared that our life is changing drastically for the worse. I imagine that prayer came before the conscious admittance of a higher power. The first man to be wronged by his environment, to die by simple cause of nature, must have asked why. Why did he have to die this way? Humans know that they came into this world naturally and this line of natural introduction to life must have started somewhere. Science has made it easy to eliminate this belief of a higher power through exploration, but the basic assumption of man is that of God. And the feeling of awe at God is met directly with the natural reaction of betrayal. Therein lies a paradox. Man thinks himself high enough to demand from God. Man controls his life in every moment except fear. God was borne of fear and human fear has yet to be eliminated. Until we learn to control fear and conquer it God will always be a backdrop to our lives. I am scared of death so I hope for heavenly salvation. Some hope for a do-over in the form of reincarnation. The process of reincarnation can not be separated from a higher power either as this process of the soul is not completely in the physical world. There is no higher power than Man outside of Man, but fear comes from within and is only manifested outwardly.
God, I ask you please to end the questioning. I ask this out of a simpler fear that I will never have the answers I seek. Are You so selfish that you will refuse me this? You want faith, but faith is a passion that I will not engage in unless it is reciprocated. Prove something to me and I will believe in you. Until then I am my own God. Fuck Your way Yahweh.